Determination is the name of the game.
In 13 days I will be done with my first semester of nursing school. I have a B+ right now and I'm happy with that. Going to be studying hard for the final because I am very close to being able to get an A and it would be nice to pull it off but I'm not going to kill myself over 2 points.
It's been a bit difficult the past few weeks. Dealing with Jim's Mom being an ass and trying to come to terms with the holidays without Dad and with Russell far from home. Worrying about my Mom spending her birthday alone. But mostly just selfishly mourning the loss of all that was, all I took for granted.
I still expect to go home to the wacko Christmas tree Dad has picked out. Or go to the tree farm with Russell and try to find the most perfect tree we can just to spite Dad's love of the slightly off tree's. I expect the house to smell of cigar smoke and pine and wood smoke. I expect greasy flannels in the laundry room and Russell's room to be littered with candy wrappers. Christmas dinner is the four Ehrets's and Jim, with Danny and maybe Bob popping in, with Grandma and Grandpa Ehrets and Grandma McNeely, with Alice and John and Seth and Caity, with Pete and Yo, with Phil and Claire and even Aunt Gert. With the family Yankee swap where all the old ladies are too polite to steal anyone's gifts, even if it means they go home with men's cologne. I expect my Mom to be making dinner and Dad to be helping out with carving and doing the dishes and then hiding from the inlaws. I expect Dad to be in his Grinch teeshirt and Mom to be putting Kenny G on the stereo.
I loved Christmas because the whole family got together. We got to laugh and talk and eat and just be a big happy family. All of that is broken this year. Russell's in Iraq, Dad is dead, Grandma McNeely and all the Smigelski's are going to be in California, Phil wont be around because Aunt Claire is in the hospital struggling to recover from surgery, Gert's health has her trapped at home and Grandma and Grandpa wont even leave the house for dinner because of Grandpa's bladder cancer, my Aunt Marie wont leave her house for a holiday since her husband died and I can barely look at Jim's Mom let alone feel apart of her family. So this year for Christmas I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I have no family left, like it's going to be Mom and me sitting around alone for the rest of our lives. I feel like we have no one.
I miss my brother and I miss my family. Most of all I miss my Dad. I keep find myself thinking I have to figure out what to get him for Christmas and then I remember that I don't, he's dead.
Ugh, I have to stop this.
Take it a day at a time, minute by minute. Dad's not coming back, I have to do my best and make him proud. I promised him.
Two more weeks of nursing school. Two more weeks to do it. Keep going. Get up every morning and just go. Survive. Can't collapse yet.
Laurel, Although our situations are similar but different, I do feel your pain. I too am trying to keep my spirits up and finish school. I too have thought about what to get dad for Christmas, then remember, he's not here anymore :( Although, my brother is here (thankfully), we almost lost him last week, when he tried to take his own life. Luckily mom and I called the ambulance quickly enough and for now, he is OK. Life isn't easy but you have the motivation and drive to keep it all together!! You're a strong girl and I know your daddy is looking down on you and is still amazed at how wonderful his daughter is :)
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