Had the most random conversation ever tonight with Jim's brother, Tom. Good, but completely random and only slightly awkward. It was kind of nice getting to talk to someone... I don't want to say new, but someone different. I've kind of felt all along that Tom and Beth get me a bit more than Jim's friends get me. I think I told them once that it was nice hanging out with them because I didn't feel like the biggest nerd in the group, and it was nice being a group where nerd isn't a derogatory term. I don't really feel like I need to watch what I'm saying around them either. I don't have to worry about offending them.
I'm on the edge a bit the past few days. I can't tell if I'm coming down with a cold or if I'm just drained from working and school. It seems like as soon as I come home and sit down all the energy drains right out of me and I pass out. I only sleep for a few minutes but I feel incredibly lethargic the rest of the day. And I can't sleep at night, even though I've been taking sleeping pills. Grrmmm :(
What in the hell should I do/get for Jim for our one year anniversary?? He let drop that he was getting me something and now I am panicking because I have no ideas for him. We're going to the Big E with his friends the day before so I don't know what the hell to do special for us.
Both kittens have a clean bill of health. Vet says they're 11 weeks old. Cute seeing them race around the apartment now, wrestling and jumping on each other.
I'm so tired.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
bored. so incredibly bored.
I'm sitting in the worlds longest lecture. With a woman who has a propensity to over-talk every single issue until you want to bleed out of your ears. I don't even want to pretend that I know what she's talking about. Something about assessment? I'll read the emailed notes and review the reading when I get home. But she has been giving us examples and stories for every single statement on the notes! It's a little excessive. Especially since half of the illnesses, words, medications, procedures she is discussing mean nothing to the class as a whole. If we haven't learned anything about a procedure then why are you using the advanced technical jargon with us? We don't know what you are talking about. And if you are allotted two hours in which to lecture then edit it down to 2 hours, don't take 2 and a half. This is your job, you should be aware of how long it takes to go through your information. Plus, you are the one who made the damned powerpoint. If you put a picture of a cat peeing into a toilet on the slide about urination then don't act all surprised when people chuckle at it!! You put it there, what reaction did you think you were going to get?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Low point on my horizon
My heart is sore.
I have this ache inside. Sometimes I can ignore it, can just go on like it doesn't exist, but sometimes it brings me to my knees.
I enjoyed having the past three days off, but when I'm not running at 120 mph I feel like there is a wave cresting just behind me. Waiting to come down and sweep me into the abyss. All weekend I fought the ache, fought the desire to crumple. To curl into a ball and howl at the pain of it all.
He's gone. Get over it. Stop crying for something that doesn't exist anymore.
God it hurts.
Keep moving.
I have this ache inside. Sometimes I can ignore it, can just go on like it doesn't exist, but sometimes it brings me to my knees.
I enjoyed having the past three days off, but when I'm not running at 120 mph I feel like there is a wave cresting just behind me. Waiting to come down and sweep me into the abyss. All weekend I fought the ache, fought the desire to crumple. To curl into a ball and howl at the pain of it all.
He's gone. Get over it. Stop crying for something that doesn't exist anymore.
God it hurts.
Keep moving.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Mrrrow!
Hello! Our names are Ferrari and Tobey and we really need a good home. This nice man found us sleeping under a car and took us home, but he cant keep us. His kitty cats don't want any more roommates and as much as he would like to keep us he cant. So if you would be able to help give us a nice warm place to live (or you know anyone else who would) please let Missy Laurel know.
Jim's late.
Jim and I had a big, real, screaming fight the other day.
Probably one of our first where I got loud, and, come to think of it, I don't think Jim got loud at all. He mostly tried to hide from me.
Now mostly our relationship is fantastic. We rarely fight and when we do it's usually small spats about daily annoyances ("Goddammit, move your damned SHOES, I'm sick of falling over them!" Type fights.) We're out of the lovey dovey, always cuddley phase and are comfortable with each other. It really was a pretty smooth transition from long distance to living together, I think we did pretty well. There has been one issue that's bothered me throughout our relationship that has kind of snowballed now that I'm living with Jim and going to school.
He's ALWAYS late for work. And I don't mean 10 minutes, I mean an hour or TWO every single day. We've had talks about it, I've tried asking nicely, I've tried setting two alarms, I've even tried to bribe him with... nevermind, hehe. And still, he goes in late everyday, regardless of the fact that he's admitted that he knows he'd lose his job if his boss found out and that he's aware that this is not acceptable behavior, he still just doesn't change.
Wednesday, when I got home at 11am after my morning lab and he was still at the house (he's supposed to be at work at 11, and it's a 30 minute drive) I just lost it. I forgot all my nice, calm, rational thoughts and I became the ranting bitch for about 15 minutes.
I told him how I can't handle the added stress he puts on me by doing this everyday. The knowledge that when (not if) his boss finds out and he gets fired I'll have to drop out of school to support us. I told him how it hurts me that he doesn't seem to care that he does this and how it does effect me, because to me it's him acknowledging doing the one thing that puts our relationship and risk and still doing it over and over again as if he had no cares in the world about securing our future.
I told him that I'm sick of the excuses. Everyday there is some new reason why he couldn't get up on time (he couldn't sleep, the cats were too noisy, he was still really tired) and I'm sick of it. I have nursing classes starting 8am three days a week that go until midafternoon, then I have 9 hour shifts at the hospital from 3 to midnight, yet I still manage to get back up at 6am for class the next morning. Doesn't he think I might be tired after an 18 hour day and then four hours sleep before starting all over again?! And yet I manage to be on time to my job every day, hell, 99% of the time I'm early! He's had the same job and same schedule for the past EIGHT years. He can have a damn routine so that he shouldn't be so sleep deprived (if you can call getting 8 hours a night deprived, I can't.) And yet he still can't manage to get there on time.
He said he's going to change, but he's said that before. Yesterday he was on time. Today is 10:20 am and he's still in bed, even though he needs to stop at his parents and feed their animals before going to work. He's going to be late again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I hate feeling like his mother. Like I need to go wake him up every morning like he's ten years old and dress him for school. Grrrrr, I guess it can't always be marital bliss.
I'm going to go throw a cat on him.
Probably one of our first where I got loud, and, come to think of it, I don't think Jim got loud at all. He mostly tried to hide from me.
Now mostly our relationship is fantastic. We rarely fight and when we do it's usually small spats about daily annoyances ("Goddammit, move your damned SHOES, I'm sick of falling over them!" Type fights.) We're out of the lovey dovey, always cuddley phase and are comfortable with each other. It really was a pretty smooth transition from long distance to living together, I think we did pretty well. There has been one issue that's bothered me throughout our relationship that has kind of snowballed now that I'm living with Jim and going to school.
He's ALWAYS late for work. And I don't mean 10 minutes, I mean an hour or TWO every single day. We've had talks about it, I've tried asking nicely, I've tried setting two alarms, I've even tried to bribe him with... nevermind, hehe. And still, he goes in late everyday, regardless of the fact that he's admitted that he knows he'd lose his job if his boss found out and that he's aware that this is not acceptable behavior, he still just doesn't change.
Wednesday, when I got home at 11am after my morning lab and he was still at the house (he's supposed to be at work at 11, and it's a 30 minute drive) I just lost it. I forgot all my nice, calm, rational thoughts and I became the ranting bitch for about 15 minutes.
I told him how I can't handle the added stress he puts on me by doing this everyday. The knowledge that when (not if) his boss finds out and he gets fired I'll have to drop out of school to support us. I told him how it hurts me that he doesn't seem to care that he does this and how it does effect me, because to me it's him acknowledging doing the one thing that puts our relationship and risk and still doing it over and over again as if he had no cares in the world about securing our future.
I told him that I'm sick of the excuses. Everyday there is some new reason why he couldn't get up on time (he couldn't sleep, the cats were too noisy, he was still really tired) and I'm sick of it. I have nursing classes starting 8am three days a week that go until midafternoon, then I have 9 hour shifts at the hospital from 3 to midnight, yet I still manage to get back up at 6am for class the next morning. Doesn't he think I might be tired after an 18 hour day and then four hours sleep before starting all over again?! And yet I manage to be on time to my job every day, hell, 99% of the time I'm early! He's had the same job and same schedule for the past EIGHT years. He can have a damn routine so that he shouldn't be so sleep deprived (if you can call getting 8 hours a night deprived, I can't.) And yet he still can't manage to get there on time.
He said he's going to change, but he's said that before. Yesterday he was on time. Today is 10:20 am and he's still in bed, even though he needs to stop at his parents and feed their animals before going to work. He's going to be late again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I hate feeling like his mother. Like I need to go wake him up every morning like he's ten years old and dress him for school. Grrrrr, I guess it can't always be marital bliss.
I'm going to go throw a cat on him.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Life to date
I'll try to do a brief sum up of life to date. I know it's been a while.
Last week: Went home on Wednesday after arguing with the DMV some more. Finally got my license, registration, insurance and plates. Also managed to get my school id in their somewhere and finish up everything I needed to do for school.
Home: Yay Russell is home! We kept the bickering to a minimum and only got snippy when installing appliances (which we were in no way qualified to do, but we managed.) Went swimming, played chess (I got massacred,) but I whooped mom's rump at Mariokart (although I have more than a decade of practice, I was at an advantage.) Jim and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary as a couple while there and managed to be nice to each other the whole weekend even though we were stuck sleeping in a double-sized sleigh bed that was surely built for someone 4 foot 9 not 5 foot 8... it was an experience not getting snippy with the blanket stealing and bedhogging we both thought the other was doing. All in all, it was a pretty mellow visit. Got to see Dan Lorino, Danny McCarthy, Bobby B, all the boys basically. It was good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rumors Russell has heard about his deployment are going to be true and that he will get to come home from Iraq around Christmas and not in March. I also got to visit with my grandparents. Grandpa is doing really well with the Radiation treatments, granted they just started, but he seems in good spirits. He is 85 years old, as long as he's in good spirits and feeling decent and able to do the things he wants to do, I'm happy.
School:
Started my online child psych class last week. Still kinda getting the hang of an online class but I think I've got it under control. Nursing classes started this week and we had our first clinical today. It was pretty basic stuff. Mostly introductory info and safety and hospital policies and the like. My only hiccup right now is that my group of six is doing our first clinical rotation on the oncology floor (which also caters to Hospice) so it's kind of difficult keeping the emotions under wrap all the time. But we seem to have a very nice instructor and a good group of people to work with so I'm keeping optimistic.
Alright, I've got to go write up a quick child psych 'paper' and at least try to do some reading for class next week. Working the next four days... keeping my fingers cross that I get a decent assignment.
It's been almost four months since Dad died. It still hurts. I miss him. I hope I'm making him proud.
Last week: Went home on Wednesday after arguing with the DMV some more. Finally got my license, registration, insurance and plates. Also managed to get my school id in their somewhere and finish up everything I needed to do for school.
Home: Yay Russell is home! We kept the bickering to a minimum and only got snippy when installing appliances (which we were in no way qualified to do, but we managed.) Went swimming, played chess (I got massacred,) but I whooped mom's rump at Mariokart (although I have more than a decade of practice, I was at an advantage.) Jim and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary as a couple while there and managed to be nice to each other the whole weekend even though we were stuck sleeping in a double-sized sleigh bed that was surely built for someone 4 foot 9 not 5 foot 8... it was an experience not getting snippy with the blanket stealing and bedhogging we both thought the other was doing. All in all, it was a pretty mellow visit. Got to see Dan Lorino, Danny McCarthy, Bobby B, all the boys basically. It was good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rumors Russell has heard about his deployment are going to be true and that he will get to come home from Iraq around Christmas and not in March. I also got to visit with my grandparents. Grandpa is doing really well with the Radiation treatments, granted they just started, but he seems in good spirits. He is 85 years old, as long as he's in good spirits and feeling decent and able to do the things he wants to do, I'm happy.
School:
Started my online child psych class last week. Still kinda getting the hang of an online class but I think I've got it under control. Nursing classes started this week and we had our first clinical today. It was pretty basic stuff. Mostly introductory info and safety and hospital policies and the like. My only hiccup right now is that my group of six is doing our first clinical rotation on the oncology floor (which also caters to Hospice) so it's kind of difficult keeping the emotions under wrap all the time. But we seem to have a very nice instructor and a good group of people to work with so I'm keeping optimistic.
Alright, I've got to go write up a quick child psych 'paper' and at least try to do some reading for class next week. Working the next four days... keeping my fingers cross that I get a decent assignment.
It's been almost four months since Dad died. It still hurts. I miss him. I hope I'm making him proud.
Passive Aggressive post will be passive aggressive
Dear Neighborchildren,
Your plastic, three wheeled, noise-making devil bikes are going to disappear if you leave them in my driveway one more time. Either that or I'm 'not' going to see them next time I have to back down the driveway.
If you insist on riding the damn bikes up and down MY driveway just outside of my bedroom window AND my office window so I can get NO peace and quiet, then at least put the things away when you are done playing with them.
Thank you.
Love,
That crazy looking chick in nursing scrubs who most days leaves at the crack of dawn and comes home around midnight dragging a full backpack and glaring evilly at your parents for parking their cars half across her driveway.
Dear Neighborspawn (I say spawn, because I cannot find it in myself to call you people),
In case you hadn't noticed, this is a quiet street. People bring in their trashcans in the morning and keep their yards tidy and hang flowers from their porches. The vast majority of them also appear to have 9-5 jobs during the weekdays. They seem to mostly be nice, polite families.
Let me give you some tips.
Jobs:
Most people have them. It is something you should aspire to get. It lets you get out of the house during the day! And they give you money! Which you can use to buy things! Like trash bags!! Yay!
And speaking of...
Trashbags:
They Go AROUND Garbage.
THEN the garbage (which is now contained in the bag) gets placed into the TRASHCAN.
THEN (and don't despair this is the last step!) You take the LID to the TRASHCAN and close all that trashy goodness away from those fun animals that like to eat rancid foodstuffs.
Wheeee!
Children:
You have several! We've all noticed. They like to bike ride and yell. A lot. The little one tends to also cry a lot. Buuuuuut there are studies that have shown that when you do things like pay attention to your own children and do things such as sending them to school they cease to be obnoxious sobbing noisemakers (at least not ALL of the time.) Paying attention to your children and caring for them when they cry is also part of a bizarre activity called "Parenting." Believe it or not, you joined the "parenting club" when the squalling noisemakers escaped your loins. For the love of jeebus, give it a try.
Acceptable noise levels:
You like music. We all like music. We all like DIFFERENT music. Should the neighborhood develop a love of Hispanic rap music I'm sure they all know whose house to have the block party at. Until that time please keep the stereo volume in your car down to levels soft enough to NOT rattle the windows in neighboring houses. Especially as you seem to have a love of leaving your car radio running for most of the day and loitering *cough* I mean... relaxing, in front of your house.
Anywhoo, that's all the tips I have for you today. Hope you take them into consideration.
Love,
The lady next door who is forced to vacate her porch every time you come outside for fear of being accosted by the... gentlemen *coughdrugdealerscough* you so frequently host.
Your plastic, three wheeled, noise-making devil bikes are going to disappear if you leave them in my driveway one more time. Either that or I'm 'not' going to see them next time I have to back down the driveway.
If you insist on riding the damn bikes up and down MY driveway just outside of my bedroom window AND my office window so I can get NO peace and quiet, then at least put the things away when you are done playing with them.
Thank you.
Love,
That crazy looking chick in nursing scrubs who most days leaves at the crack of dawn and comes home around midnight dragging a full backpack and glaring evilly at your parents for parking their cars half across her driveway.
Dear Neighborspawn (I say spawn, because I cannot find it in myself to call you people),
In case you hadn't noticed, this is a quiet street. People bring in their trashcans in the morning and keep their yards tidy and hang flowers from their porches. The vast majority of them also appear to have 9-5 jobs during the weekdays. They seem to mostly be nice, polite families.
Let me give you some tips.
Jobs:
Most people have them. It is something you should aspire to get. It lets you get out of the house during the day! And they give you money! Which you can use to buy things! Like trash bags!! Yay!
And speaking of...
Trashbags:
They Go AROUND Garbage.
THEN the garbage (which is now contained in the bag) gets placed into the TRASHCAN.
THEN (and don't despair this is the last step!) You take the LID to the TRASHCAN and close all that trashy goodness away from those fun animals that like to eat rancid foodstuffs.
Wheeee!
Children:
You have several! We've all noticed. They like to bike ride and yell. A lot. The little one tends to also cry a lot. Buuuuuut there are studies that have shown that when you do things like pay attention to your own children and do things such as sending them to school they cease to be obnoxious sobbing noisemakers (at least not ALL of the time.) Paying attention to your children and caring for them when they cry is also part of a bizarre activity called "Parenting." Believe it or not, you joined the "parenting club" when the squalling noisemakers escaped your loins. For the love of jeebus, give it a try.
Acceptable noise levels:
You like music. We all like music. We all like DIFFERENT music. Should the neighborhood develop a love of Hispanic rap music I'm sure they all know whose house to have the block party at. Until that time please keep the stereo volume in your car down to levels soft enough to NOT rattle the windows in neighboring houses. Especially as you seem to have a love of leaving your car radio running for most of the day and loitering *cough* I mean... relaxing, in front of your house.
Anywhoo, that's all the tips I have for you today. Hope you take them into consideration.
Love,
The lady next door who is forced to vacate her porch every time you come outside for fear of being accosted by the... gentlemen *coughdrugdealerscough* you so frequently host.
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