Fly Away Home

I have this weekend off. Oh my goodness I cannot wait until 4pm tomorrow when I'm finally free. I'm exhausted. I haven't had a day without school or work or both in two weeks and I'm feeling a bit burnt out.

I really want to go home and see my Mom. I miss her and I want to go make sure she's doing okay. It's hard to really gauge things over the phone, it's hard cause we both say we're okay when really we're not. I made some reference to how I missed the quiet of being at home and Mom said something along the lines of quiet being nice, but not if you have no one to share it with and that she doesn't know what she's going to do in the future because nothing is holding her there anymore... so I really want to go home. Unfortunately it's not in the cards for this weekend, I just have too much studying to do and I really need to catch up on some things around the house. My anatomy and physiology 1 final exam is Thursday but because I have to work evenings on Monday and Tuesday (so that means going from 6am to midnight 2 days straight), and then on Wednesday I have my nursing orientation at Bridgeport I need to do some preemptive studying. This exam is going to be tough.

I'm hoping I'll be able to run home my next weekend off (in 2 weeks) if not it probably wont be until August. Then I'll probably have a week or so between A&P2 ending and my nursing classes beginning. Maybe Mom will drag her rump to CT between now and then and visit me, but I know she's got a lot on her plate taking care of the house by herself.

Life sure is different now.

I miss my Dad. I feel like someone ripped out one of the pillars in my life. Everything feels a bit more precarious and a bit less safe. I always knew that I could go to my Dad for anything, he was my superman and my go-to guy. I miss rainy summer afternoons talking in his shop as the sun set over the house, laughing with him about Mom when she was being exceptionally hair-brained, listening to him go on and on about Stargate and all the things he'd fixed at work that day, all the problems he'd solved.

I get frustrated sometimes when people say things to be about how my classes are easy for me because I'm smart or "a science person" and it's easy because I don't have kids. Now yes, I'm sure this is easier than if I had children and was trying to go back to school. But this isn't easy for me by any stretch of the imagination. I don't just 'get it' and I've struggled to absorb everything. But I study. A lot. Like 5-6 hours every day that I'm not at work, and when I'm do work it's still at least 2 hours. I'm driven to succeed and do well in this. The last big news I got to give my Dad was that I got accepted into nursing school and I was going to be a nurse. He's gone now but I'm going to make him proud if it kills me. I AM going to finish this and become an RN. I'm going to do well, this was the last piece of news I got to give my father and it drives me.

It's hard some days though... getting up... going on... spending another day walking around trying to act like I'm not the walking wounded... listening to my professor talk about cancer or dealing with cancer patients... dealing with people asking, always asking 'How are you? how's your Mom? how's your brother? What are you doing for Father's Day?' I just don't want to talk about it, I'm trying to deal the best I know how but the pity and concern just reminds me and upsets me and I do enough crying as it is. So I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to mind if I don't want to answer all my phone calls or talk about how I'm feeling all the time. Also I'm not trying to be conceited or boastful when I talk about my classes or my grades, but these small successes make me happy for a brief moment... and a smile has become too precious not to cling to.

In my pocket

I carry around my Dads memorial card with me all the time. It has his picture on it, in his red shirt with his white owls in his pocket and he's sitting in his chair in the den. He's looking right at the camera in the picture and I feel like he can really see me. I believe my Dad is still out there somewhere, that he's watching over us, that when it all gets too much to bear and I break down he is there with me. I cry for a little while and then a peace comes over me, I find strength from somewhere, from him, to keep going, to get back up and go back to work. I feel like I've grown decades older in the last year. I'm calmer now. All the little things life throws at you don't bother me as much anymore.

I'm trying not to feel like I just am trying to get through the next year and a half. I have a new respect and appreciation for time, it's not just something to endure. So while working and going to school is a trial I'm trying to enjoy what I can.

I want things more acutely now. Not material things, but experiences. I want to have children, oh how I want to have them... I stare at pictures of people I know with babies filled with envy, I watch cheesy TLC birthing shows. I want to see my Mom light up with her grandchildren. I'm also practical enough to know that now is not the time for children, and that having a baby wont take away the pain of losing my Dad. I'm also lucky to have a husband stubborn enough to ignore my pleas and make me stick to the plan.

I want to travel and see the world. I hate that I missed my family reunion out in Colorado. There are times when being financially responsible is a bad thing.

I have a plan now. Working 3 days a week as a PCT while I go through the RN program. Hopefully I can get into the accelerated 2nd year and finish in December of 2011. Then it'll be off to work as an RN. We'll see what area of nursing catches my interest, I know I'm not interested in psych, rehab or telemetry (at least not at norwalk) and I'm not sure if I'm ready for oncology or hospice nursing. I like med/surg, but haven't gotten to experience OR or ER or peds or maternity... so we'll see. Then I'm dreaming of a trip. My first European vacation. A cruise around the eastern Mediterranean... late honeymoon maybe. It may be out of reach but a girl can dream.

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day.

That day has new meaning now. It's not just another hallmark holiday where I buy Dad a cheesy card and some new work gloves or a new tool. This year I spent the day wishing I could see my Dad one more time, laugh with him once more, ask one more piece of advice, get one last hug, tell him I love him one more time.

I wasn't really up to celebrating the holiday this year with my Father-in-law... it's just too soon for me to say happy father's day to someone else, to someone who doesn't have a bushy red beard and steely blue eyes.

I love you Dad. I'll always wish we had one more day. I'm so grateful to everything you did for me and all that you taught me. There is nothing about my life that I would have changed except to have more of it with you in it. The only regret I have right now is that you wont get to meet your future grandchildren.

Sleep

Ok, I'm starting to get a bit run down. Today starts my four days stretch for work and the middle of my 14 day stretch without a day off (of school/work.) I had my lab class at 8am this morning, skipped out of my lecture and came home around 10:30. Took a quick nap with Jim since I'm working from 3-11:30 and then tomorrow morning 7-3:30 so I wont be coming home tonight.

I'm not too excited about spending the night at the hospital, but its what I had to work out when they scheduled me to work today at 7am. I can't afford to skip my lab at 8am so I had to trade shifts. At least I have the afternoons off for the rest of the weekend instead of being stuck working the late shift.

I just want to be able to sleep for longer than six hours... or past 6am... whichever would be fine. So tired. :(

Whaahooo!

Somebody got an A on her very first Anatomy and Physiology Exam!

Well, it was actually two exams, a lab practical and a lecture exam, but I aced them both! Pulled out a 95 on the lecture and a 91 on the lab practical. The lecture exam is worth 25% of my grade and the lab 7% so I'm glad I did well on them.

Now I just have to keep it up for the second and third exams. The second is fast approaching (on Tuesday) and I am doing as much studying as I can ahead of time. This time I don't have a weekend off to prepare before the test... plus, this exam is on all the bones and parts of the bones and all the joints. It's a lot of memorizing. All of this is a lot of work... but it's good.

I wish...

that crying would make me feel better. That it would fix this hole inside of me but it doesn't.

Russell says he dreams of Dad every night. I envy him that. I had one dream where I was looking for Dad, but all I could find was the wooden carving we bought at the craft fair because it looked like him.

It hurts to even look at pictures of him at my wedding, knowing that the reason he looked like he'd aged 20 years in the last 5 is because most likely he was being devoured from the inside by this cancer. To see him like that is better than those memories from the last week though. Those plea's he'd made trying to hold on to his last shreds of dignity.

Mom and I are closer than we were. Russell and I too. It doesn't seem worth it to bicker about the small stuff. It's too precious... time, that is. We've all changed though, we're... quieter now... subdued... I feel like all the extra stuff has been trimmed away. This is me, this is who I am, I'm not afraid to be that person and for everyone to see me as what I am.

You want to think I'm a nerd? Fine, I'm a nerd. I feel no shame in being labeled a nerd. I've always been decently smart, I read fast, but I ALSO STUDY my BUTT OFF. I PAY ATTENTION. I'm a book-reading good-girl who will stay home and study over drinking at the bar. I'll answer questions in class and feel embarrassed when I'm wrong. I'm respectful of my teachers but I don't treat them like authority figures or gods or expect them to know everything. The only thing that differs them from me is knowledge and experience... I can get there someday.

I do my job. I take pride in doing my job WELL. I get angered when people are negligent at work or take for granted all the opportunities we are given. Don't be spiteful or mean if I'm taking the steps you never tried to take for yourself. I'm only risking failure. I'm willing to work hard and dedicate the time and effort to doing this. And if I fall, I will keep fighting, would you?

I'm geeky. I wear a backpack even though I've been told it makes me look like a grade schooler. I have the fashion sense God gave a snail (I have patchwork multi-colored denim FRAYED EDGE jeans from highschool to prove it!)

I love Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter AND Twilight. There are merits to all three series. I like Star Trek, and have never seen the Star Wars movies. I HATE Battlestar Galactica, I get seasick just watching the commercials.

I take more pride in the fact that my father was able to give up drinking for the last 16 years than I do in the fact that I graduated from college...

I miss starry nights in the Catskills more than I care to think about, the stars look different from Connecticut.

I sing in the car. Badly. And loudly. I also dance, and wave at truck drivers.

I feel like people never expected me to get married. I dated one guy for five days before meeting Jim, that was it. It never really felt right with anyone until I met him. Maybe somewhere deep inside I just knew.

I would rather spend hours sitting a parked car in front of a Staples with a good friend just talking than go out to a fancy restaurant or catch a movie. I still consider wandering Walmart as an afternoon of fun, but that's Monticello upbringing for you.

I hate when people see my house for the first time and judge that my family is rich and therefore I must have been spoiled. My parents lived in a trailer with no running water and no electricity for five years... then we spent the next seven years in that trailer while my Dad built our house from the ground up. Almost all our furniture is hand me downs from various relatives and my parent's version of a family vacation was driving to my grandparents house in Florida. I've been to ONE movie with my parent's in my whole life. We didn't eat out and never shopped for anything but necessities. New clothes were something for Christmas or maybe one outfit for the new school year. I bought my own first car with money from jobs I started working as soon as I turned 14.

I'm overly generous. I'll offer to pay for dinners with friends, even if it means I put it on my credit card and know I wont be able to pay it off this month. Because of this, I feel like I get taken advantage of and I think people also assume I just... have money. I don't, but it feels good being generous anyway.

I regret not learning how to weld. It's a 'mans trade' but I always had a strange urge to sculpt metal. I'll probably never have the chance now.

I love interior design. I got that from my Mom. I reorganize SOMETHING at least once a week: rooms, cabinets, bookshelves, closets. It used to drive Dad nuts when we would reshuffle the living room every few months. Jim can tell when I'm upset or stressed because I'll go into reorganize overdrive and rip apart a whole room. I intentionally left the den a disaster after I found out Dad was dying. I knew I'd need the project.

I'm getting used to Connecticut but I still miss the quiet of New York. I miss the pride of being a New Yorker, the attitude, the arrogance. Connecticut is just... here... almost a New York City suburb... like a richer Long Island. And there are so many people. Ugh, the traffic. I could never be a city girl, I miss the solitude, the peace, the serenity of nature.

cooking up a party

I'm wondering if it's bad that my favorite and most often used recipes come straight out of my Starving Student Cookbook. Tonight I'm aiming straight for the Tator Tot Casserole. Gourmet cooking at its finest.

Yesterday was a bit hard. I have a feeling all 13ths are going to be hard from now on. One month since Dad died. A hideous landmark that I'd just as soon forget. As if I could.

Mom's back from Colorado. I'm glad she went and had fun at the reunion. Trying not to be too jealous about not being there myself, but it sounds like I missed one hell of a reunion. I'm going to have to start looking for venues to plan the next one since it's the McNeely/Ehrets/Smigelski/Rourke! family's turn to host the next one. Hopefully we can plan a helluva party in the next three years.

Count my blessings.

Someone at work the other day commented to me how I need to find my luck, because all she ever sees on Facebook is me posting all the horrible things that are happening in my life. It kind of shook me up a bit.

I have felt a bit jinxed lately, but I never realized I was constantly posting negative comments. I've felt like I've been acting relatively happy and normal around most people and have succeeded at not giving off the doom and gloom vibe. I don't want to be negative all the time. Life has dealt me a few shit cards right now but that doesn't mean that I don't have a ton of positive things in my life as well.

Yes, my Dad died, but at least I got to be with him, I got to hear him say he loved me, I got to have him walk me down the aisle and see me move in with the man of my dreams. I got to grow up with him there answering my questions and offering support. I was close to my father, I know that I was just like him; gregarious at times and practically mute at others. We had the same sense of humor and the same exasperated love for my Mom when she was having a dippy moment. He was the kind of person who would see someone stuck somewhere and he'd just help. You didn't have to ask for help, or repay him for his troubles, sometimes you didn't even have to be around, he'd just assess the situation and fix things. I want to be like him.

Jim's mom has/had cancer and had to have decently major surgery to deal with it. It was a slap to deal with just after loosing Dad but at least we caught things in time and she's healing up nicely.

The car broke down. So what? We got it fixed, we're a family of two with two working cars, and I'm grateful for it. Money is just money, if we have it, yippee, if we don't have it, I'm still grateful for what we do have.

My neighbors... ahh the neighbors. Yes, they drive me up a wall sometimes. But that's just one of lifes little foibles that we get to deal with. Plus, the neighbors on the other side are fantastic, as are the people across the street.

School. I love to whine about school and work. But I'm ridiculously lucky to be able to go back to school, to be able to afford working only 3 days a week while I pursue a nursing career. I don't have children to raise or a mortgage to pay and my husband has been picking up far more than his fair share of the household chores.

I'm lucky. Unbelievably lucky.

Moving on and growing up.

My husband is selling his childhood twin bed right now. That statement in itself flabbergasts me because Jim had always resisted getting rid of his things. When we first got married I'd asked what he was going to do with the bed (along with a room full of battered and abused childhood memorabilia) and the basic idea was that he wanted to just keep it at his parents house forever. After some nagging on my part he agreed to try and sell a few things. I knew his parents could use the room that it was in for something besides the Jim's childhood shrine. Since then the bed has sat in pieces in his bedroom while he halfheartedly looked for someone to buy it. No one would ever offer enough to satisfy him.

A couple days ago he informed me that he found a buyer. I didn't even realize he'd still been posting his add on Craigslist. I guess it turns out he really is growing up. I should start paying closer attention.

Studying

The studying boner. I had it for an hour or so and then it went away. I'm sitting here staring at my notes hoping that something will stick and so far it's a no go. I did get through the last 2 chapters (out of five the test is on) and manage to start back over going through Chapter 1 again but it's tedious.

I shouldn't complain about this, I've still got two years left to finish before it's over. Plus, I'm sure it's going to get worse before it gets better. But that's life, and this is one more hurdle to jump. I'm sure the next two years is going to whip by pretty fast. Maybe once I'm a nurse I'll feel more like an adult. I doubt it, but maybe.

It seems like things just kind of fell into place over the last year or so. It had been pretty rough after college, but once I figured out what I wanted to do with my life and got the ball rolling things started to work out. It helps that I got to start this journey with Jim. Both of us starting out on our own, but together, I think made it easier for us to cope with suddenly being responsible for rent, groceries, utilities, health insurance.. all of the technicalities associated with being a grown up. I'm 25 but I don't feel like a grown up... I still feel like a kid sometimes.

**** This next bit is rambling because I'm wicked hormonal right now****

After I finish school I want to start a family. Losing Dad has made me yearn for children. Maybe as something to fill the void and mostly because it hurt so bad accepting that he will never be apart of my future childrens lives. I want my kids to get to be as much a part of my parent's and grandparents lives as possible. So I dream of babies... waiting for the day I don't have to think 'Not Yet.'

Changes

Changed up the look of the blog a little bit.

Dad is now prominently featured. It seems appropriate for the time. This is for him, to him, about him... he should be featured.

I've had patients at work over the last few days and several times I was told by visiting family, "Well, you don't know what it's like to have to sit by and watch a parent suffering." Most people were taken quite aback when I had to inform them that, unfortunately, I did know exactly what it's like to have to sit by and watch your loved one in pain. I'm better at my job now. I do understand what it's like, and that makes me more compassionate and better able to get through to these people.

I still wish it was a lesson I didn't have to learn for 30 more years, but that's life.

I've got my first A&P exam on Monday so this weekend will be devoted to studying, although I may take a break Saturday night and have a little bit of fun. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

mourning

It's getting worse.

Impossible.



I miss him, every minute of every day I miss him. I don't want to get out of bed, to go sit through classes discussing "abnormal cancer cells," or go to work where I have to watch the wife of a patient who's dying of cancer in complete denial about what is going on. To watch her husband go yellow as his liver shuts down, and watch him withdraw further and further into himself from the pain... just as my Dad did.


I want to howl at the sky today. I want to scream and rip out my hair and run up to strangers screaming, "Why?? Why did my father have to die?? Why him?? Why us?" I want to bleed, so at least I know this pain will heal and go away.

There's a hole in my chest and I don't know how to fix it.

I miss my Dad.

I really, really need a mental health day.

Last night Mom called me. She NEVER calls me, so I knew right away that something was wrong.

She starts in on her story:

She's asked Danny L. to stay at the house a few days and keep an eye on Cedar while she's away. To that end she went looking for a keyring to put the spare key (Dad's Key) on, so he could have one for a few days. Knowing that she saw a keyring in his dresser when she went through and got rid of his clothes this weekend she goes scrounging.

The key ring that she found had a little device attached to it; a recorder. Expecting nothing, she hits the button,

"Ha ha, Hi Carol, I figured out how to make it work..."


I know now why she called. She can't stop crying. Getting to hear his voice... it's so sweet, and yet... never, never enough. She's crushed. She made it through sorting his clothes strong, and yet this little machine hits like a wrecking ball.

We talk for a while, and cry for a while, and eventually pull ourselves together. She tells me how she saved some of Dad's favorite t-shirts and flannel shirts and is going to make a baby quilt, *hint hint*. I wish I could oblige her right away, but it's not in the cards right now.

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.


Some old school friends emailed Mom the other day about Dad. It was a little old lady (Ester, for stories sake) whose son was my Mom's age, and who had known my Dad when he was a kid. Apparently her son, had had a crush on my mom and was telling Dad this. To Ester's utter amazement, Dad looks over at her son and tells him, "You better move on to someone else, Roy, cause someday I'm going to marry that girl." This was just after my Mom and Dad met for the first time. Now, the funny thing is that Dad never mentioned this to us, even after years of hearing Mom tell her story of how the first time she ever saw my Dad she looked over and her girlfriends and said "Oh my god, I'm going to marry that guy!"

I've always believed in love at first sight.

Dermatitis, school, work

I still have the facial itching but at least this morning the giant raised red blotches seem to have gone away. Ugh, I wish the raised itchy red line across my ring finger would fade. I haven't been able to wear my wedding or engagement band for days. I have a bright red stripe across my finger where they would go. I feel weird without them.

The past few days I've just been busy with working and trying to study. Right now my anatomy and physiology class doesn't seem to be too bad but it is a LOT to learn in five weeks. Especially with the fact that biology and chemistry are classes that I took five years ago, not last semester. I've basically had to reteach myself the subjects based on the single chapter reviews in my A&P book. It'll be good to get past cell structure into something more relevant.

Working today. I know I'm getting stuck with the pooping man again... trying not to be exasperated by a family that cannot accept that Daddy is not going to just go through surgery and then get all better. His body is riddled with cancer and his leg is gangrenous, the fact that he's got diarrhea really doesn't bother the nursing staff. Especially stop asking us to give him a colostomy!!! We don't do a surgical proceedure because you are tired of his room smelling. (He's pooping almost CONSTANTLY, don't think we're not cleaning him.)

Ow

So apparently I got into something I shouldn't have.

For the last 3 days my face has been red, blotchy, swollen, itchy and hot, my lips have been bone dry and peel-y and painful. I got in to the dermatologist today and was told I have contact dermatitis from either having something caustic blown on my face or I touched something and then touched my face.

Being that I work in a hospital it could be anything.

So I got a shot of cortisone in my rump and some new ointment for my face.

Lets hope by tomorrow I don't look like lobster girl anymore.

It came in a dream...

Franticly, urgently I ran, searching, running, never finding.
Flickering lights and shadowed faces, dimly in the dark
glimpses of the one for whom I searched, never finding.

Gone, gone, gone, But to where?
This way and that I run, searching, hunting, high and low
here and there, in the dim, dark and flickering rooms.

A candle flickers and I see the face
it dances in the flame, but it is not here.
Not here.

Where is the face, the voice, the man I seek through the dark and dim?
Stumbling, running, never finding.

Gone.

Weep, for he is gone.

Still I run, run, searching;
never finding.

For he is gone.