I finish my first nursing class on Monday (well, mostly.. i have a five minute long evaluation on Tuesday with my clinical instructor but that's it!) I'm hoping I can improve on my last test grade and come out with a strong B. I would have liked to be in the strong A area but after getting an 82 on the last test and an 88 on the first one I'm gonna just go for the B and not add the extra pressure on myself of NEEDING the A. It's been something getting used to nursing school and coming to grips that this scholastic experience is not the same as all my others. I am working three days a week and still coming to grips with some significant life changes. I cannot expect myself to get A's on every test and every paper or project. This does not mean I will be a bad nurse. I'm hoping this means I just come out of nursing school as a sane one!
I'm not going to lock myself in the house and study every moment that I'm not working. I've had a hard enough time making friends in Connecticut and now that I'm getting to know some of my classmates and really enjoying their company I'm going to enjoy it. One of the big things losing my Dad taught me was that you have to do everything to can to enjoy every day as it comes because you never know when your last days will come rolling around. I don't want to just survive the next two years, I want to live them and embrace them. I'm sure they will be a trial but I want to look back on it and smile that I didn't just lock myself in a box and muddle through. I want to LIVE the way my Dad would want me to. I want to meet him again in 60 years and have him walk up to me and say "Daaamn girl, you did great!"
Jim and I went to Boston last Friday for the Jimmy Eat World concert. Even though we just drove though the city for the show and then back out again I felt like Dad was with me the whole time I was there. He lived in Boston when he was younger for a while and I think always wished he could have gotten back there. I fawned all over that city... it was beautiful... even in the rain.
Five months. It feels like a thousand years and yet no time at all. I still wish we had one more day.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Starting over.
I feel satisfied in myself today. It was a good day. I was a fully functional human being, which probably shouldn't be considered an actual accomplishment but after how I've been lately, I'd say it definitely is one.
I managed to get up on time and get to class in time to snag a good seat in lecture. Actually payed attention throughout the whole 8 hours worth of lecture (well... 95% of it anyway, or maybe 90%... but definitely way more than last week!)
But the real feat was when I got home. I actually managed to make dinner, wash the dishes from dinner, fold and put away about 1/2 the laundry, organize a few things, read a chapter for my nursing class, redo an assignment for my child psych class and dig out my few Halloween decorations. And I feel mostly human. I'm doing a forced limit on my television time. For every half and hour I spend watching TV I have to do an hour of studying or cleaning. I tend to wallow in television when I'm depressed so I need to stop letting myself do that.
I'm trying harder to help out around the house. I've been seriously lacking when it comes to housework for the past few months. I just felt like I had no time for cleaning because of grief and school and depression. So Jim's been picking up all the slack and on our anniversary we had a talk about how we were both feeling about our life and marriage to date. The overall consensus was "Yay, we made it one year and still love each other!!" but underlying that was the fact that Jim has been feeling taken advantage of because he's been doing all the housework and I haven't helped at all. Which is hard to hear, but pretty close to true. He never complained before so I never accepted it as a problem and this was a wake up call. It ISN'T fair of him to do all the dishes, watering all the plants, feeding the animals, doing the laundry, changing cat boxes and taking the trash out. It's not that I ever told him to do those things or that I said I wasn't willing to do them just that I stopped doing my share of them a few months ago and he picked up all the slack. So I'm making a change.
I want to do better at life at home as a wife and partner and roommate and I want to do better as a nursing student. I'm trying. It's all I can do.
I managed to get up on time and get to class in time to snag a good seat in lecture. Actually payed attention throughout the whole 8 hours worth of lecture (well... 95% of it anyway, or maybe 90%... but definitely way more than last week!)
But the real feat was when I got home. I actually managed to make dinner, wash the dishes from dinner, fold and put away about 1/2 the laundry, organize a few things, read a chapter for my nursing class, redo an assignment for my child psych class and dig out my few Halloween decorations. And I feel mostly human. I'm doing a forced limit on my television time. For every half and hour I spend watching TV I have to do an hour of studying or cleaning. I tend to wallow in television when I'm depressed so I need to stop letting myself do that.
I'm trying harder to help out around the house. I've been seriously lacking when it comes to housework for the past few months. I just felt like I had no time for cleaning because of grief and school and depression. So Jim's been picking up all the slack and on our anniversary we had a talk about how we were both feeling about our life and marriage to date. The overall consensus was "Yay, we made it one year and still love each other!!" but underlying that was the fact that Jim has been feeling taken advantage of because he's been doing all the housework and I haven't helped at all. Which is hard to hear, but pretty close to true. He never complained before so I never accepted it as a problem and this was a wake up call. It ISN'T fair of him to do all the dishes, watering all the plants, feeding the animals, doing the laundry, changing cat boxes and taking the trash out. It's not that I ever told him to do those things or that I said I wasn't willing to do them just that I stopped doing my share of them a few months ago and he picked up all the slack. So I'm making a change.
I want to do better at life at home as a wife and partner and roommate and I want to do better as a nursing student. I'm trying. It's all I can do.
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