Starting over.

I feel satisfied in myself today. It was a good day. I was a fully functional human being, which probably shouldn't be considered an actual accomplishment but after how I've been lately, I'd say it definitely is one.

I managed to get up on time and get to class in time to snag a good seat in lecture. Actually payed attention throughout the whole 8 hours worth of lecture (well... 95% of it anyway, or maybe 90%... but definitely way more than last week!)

But the real feat was when I got home. I actually managed to make dinner, wash the dishes from dinner, fold and put away about 1/2 the laundry, organize a few things, read a chapter for my nursing class, redo an assignment for my child psych class and dig out my few Halloween decorations. And I feel mostly human. I'm doing a forced limit on my television time. For every half and hour I spend watching TV I have to do an hour of studying or cleaning. I tend to wallow in television when I'm depressed so I need to stop letting myself do that.

I'm trying harder to help out around the house. I've been seriously lacking when it comes to housework for the past few months. I just felt like I had no time for cleaning because of grief and school and depression. So Jim's been picking up all the slack and on our anniversary we had a talk about how we were both feeling about our life and marriage to date. The overall consensus was "Yay, we made it one year and still love each other!!" but underlying that was the fact that Jim has been feeling taken advantage of because he's been doing all the housework and I haven't helped at all. Which is hard to hear, but pretty close to true. He never complained before so I never accepted it as a problem and this was a wake up call. It ISN'T fair of him to do all the dishes, watering all the plants, feeding the animals, doing the laundry, changing cat boxes and taking the trash out. It's not that I ever told him to do those things or that I said I wasn't willing to do them just that I stopped doing my share of them a few months ago and he picked up all the slack. So I'm making a change.

I want to do better at life at home as a wife and partner and roommate and I want to do better as a nursing student. I'm trying. It's all I can do.