In my pocket

I carry around my Dads memorial card with me all the time. It has his picture on it, in his red shirt with his white owls in his pocket and he's sitting in his chair in the den. He's looking right at the camera in the picture and I feel like he can really see me. I believe my Dad is still out there somewhere, that he's watching over us, that when it all gets too much to bear and I break down he is there with me. I cry for a little while and then a peace comes over me, I find strength from somewhere, from him, to keep going, to get back up and go back to work. I feel like I've grown decades older in the last year. I'm calmer now. All the little things life throws at you don't bother me as much anymore.

I'm trying not to feel like I just am trying to get through the next year and a half. I have a new respect and appreciation for time, it's not just something to endure. So while working and going to school is a trial I'm trying to enjoy what I can.

I want things more acutely now. Not material things, but experiences. I want to have children, oh how I want to have them... I stare at pictures of people I know with babies filled with envy, I watch cheesy TLC birthing shows. I want to see my Mom light up with her grandchildren. I'm also practical enough to know that now is not the time for children, and that having a baby wont take away the pain of losing my Dad. I'm also lucky to have a husband stubborn enough to ignore my pleas and make me stick to the plan.

I want to travel and see the world. I hate that I missed my family reunion out in Colorado. There are times when being financially responsible is a bad thing.

I have a plan now. Working 3 days a week as a PCT while I go through the RN program. Hopefully I can get into the accelerated 2nd year and finish in December of 2011. Then it'll be off to work as an RN. We'll see what area of nursing catches my interest, I know I'm not interested in psych, rehab or telemetry (at least not at norwalk) and I'm not sure if I'm ready for oncology or hospice nursing. I like med/surg, but haven't gotten to experience OR or ER or peds or maternity... so we'll see. Then I'm dreaming of a trip. My first European vacation. A cruise around the eastern Mediterranean... late honeymoon maybe. It may be out of reach but a girl can dream.