It's getting worse.
Impossible.
I miss him, every minute of every day I miss him. I don't want to get out of bed, to go sit through classes discussing "abnormal cancer cells," or go to work where I have to watch the wife of a patient who's dying of cancer in complete denial about what is going on. To watch her husband go yellow as his liver shuts down, and watch him withdraw further and further into himself from the pain... just as my Dad did.
I want to howl at the sky today. I want to scream and rip out my hair and run up to strangers screaming, "Why?? Why did my father have to die?? Why him?? Why us?" I want to bleed, so at least I know this pain will heal and go away.
There's a hole in my chest and I don't know how to fix it.
I miss my Dad.
It gets worse before it gets better hun. I still ask all the time "why my dad?" I will never understand. I just try to be thankful of the time I did have. as short as it may have been and I am so thankful that he was my dad! I still cry, I still wonder sometimes why my dad and not the 90 year old I see barely walking, Why my dad and not the drunk down the street? I then feel guilty but I think it's natural to wonder. Your dad would be so proud of you and that you have gone back to school. Keep the good work up. He is watching over you still just in a different way now!
ReplyDelete