I have this weekend off. Oh my goodness I cannot wait until 4pm tomorrow when I'm finally free. I'm exhausted. I haven't had a day without school or work or both in two weeks and I'm feeling a bit burnt out.
I really want to go home and see my Mom. I miss her and I want to go make sure she's doing okay. It's hard to really gauge things over the phone, it's hard cause we both say we're okay when really we're not. I made some reference to how I missed the quiet of being at home and Mom said something along the lines of quiet being nice, but not if you have no one to share it with and that she doesn't know what she's going to do in the future because nothing is holding her there anymore... so I really want to go home. Unfortunately it's not in the cards for this weekend, I just have too much studying to do and I really need to catch up on some things around the house. My anatomy and physiology 1 final exam is Thursday but because I have to work evenings on Monday and Tuesday (so that means going from 6am to midnight 2 days straight), and then on Wednesday I have my nursing orientation at Bridgeport I need to do some preemptive studying. This exam is going to be tough.
I'm hoping I'll be able to run home my next weekend off (in 2 weeks) if not it probably wont be until August. Then I'll probably have a week or so between A&P2 ending and my nursing classes beginning. Maybe Mom will drag her rump to CT between now and then and visit me, but I know she's got a lot on her plate taking care of the house by herself.
Life sure is different now.
I miss my Dad. I feel like someone ripped out one of the pillars in my life. Everything feels a bit more precarious and a bit less safe. I always knew that I could go to my Dad for anything, he was my superman and my go-to guy. I miss rainy summer afternoons talking in his shop as the sun set over the house, laughing with him about Mom when she was being exceptionally hair-brained, listening to him go on and on about Stargate and all the things he'd fixed at work that day, all the problems he'd solved.
I get frustrated sometimes when people say things to be about how my classes are easy for me because I'm smart or "a science person" and it's easy because I don't have kids. Now yes, I'm sure this is easier than if I had children and was trying to go back to school. But this isn't easy for me by any stretch of the imagination. I don't just 'get it' and I've struggled to absorb everything. But I study. A lot. Like 5-6 hours every day that I'm not at work, and when I'm do work it's still at least 2 hours. I'm driven to succeed and do well in this. The last big news I got to give my Dad was that I got accepted into nursing school and I was going to be a nurse. He's gone now but I'm going to make him proud if it kills me. I AM going to finish this and become an RN. I'm going to do well, this was the last piece of news I got to give my father and it drives me.
It's hard some days though... getting up... going on... spending another day walking around trying to act like I'm not the walking wounded... listening to my professor talk about cancer or dealing with cancer patients... dealing with people asking, always asking 'How are you? how's your Mom? how's your brother? What are you doing for Father's Day?' I just don't want to talk about it, I'm trying to deal the best I know how but the pity and concern just reminds me and upsets me and I do enough crying as it is. So I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to mind if I don't want to answer all my phone calls or talk about how I'm feeling all the time. Also I'm not trying to be conceited or boastful when I talk about my classes or my grades, but these small successes make me happy for a brief moment... and a smile has become too precious not to cling to.
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