Nurse notes: Ep. 1

Things I learned while being a nurse:

1.  Chew your pepto bismol tablets people!  Unless you want to end up in the emergency room having to have a scope rammed down your throat because a mysterious quarter sized "metal" item has shown up on your abdominal xray after it gets lodged in the lining of your stomach.  I've got to tell you there were quite a few fun rumors flying around as to how this patient ended up with a 'battery' in his stomach.

2.  If you are a doctor/nurse/physician assistant/phlebotomist/CEO or whatever and you are in with a relatively minor ailment please don't act like I should drop everything and run just because you asked for some maalox or a new box of tissues.  You know better.  I have a million things to take care of and the priority is not always you. 

3.  Do NOT go to the nurse and tell them they are providing poor care to your loved one because they've been made of fast for a series of tests and are hungry or because the surgeon hasn't answered your questions yet or because your spouses test has been postponed (again!) or you've been waiting to be discharged all day.   I try to do my best to deal with people's venting because I know it's a frustrating situation to be in, when you are sitting by and watching your loved one wait for a test or an answer.  But please try to understand, in a hospital everything is triaged.  If your stable and breathing and someone comes in to the emergency room after a car accident your test is going to be postponed, your doctor is going to be in the operating room trying to save someones life, your questions will go unanswered for a few more hours.  And no amounts of belittling the nurse at the bedside is going to change that.  All that you accomplish here is pissing off the person who is going to be providing the most DIRECT care to your loved one.  I certainly don't piss off the people who come at me with needles!     *Especially with discharges people, I'm sorry, I know your stoked to go home, but that means that you are the most healthy person in that doctors responsibility right now which also puts you at the very bottom of his to do list.  And please don't get dressed and stand at the door just because the doctor said you are ready to go.  Chances are they will leave your room and proceed to visit their other 15 patients before getting anywhere NEAR a computer to put in your discharge.  And that's IF they don't go directly to surgery and leave the discharge to their intern.  Believe me, when everything is ready your nurse will let you know.  Until then, relax.

4.  Pain.  If your blood pressure is 90/50 and heart rate is only 56 and your are barely conscious and haven't moved in 4 hours I'm not going to buy that you are a 10/10 for pain.  Also if you are requesting IV pain medication when you are in with a simple ailment don't be surprised when we offer you percocet.  If you can eat solid food and you are not writhing in agony we're going to give you pills first.  Then, and ONLY then, will we advance to iv narcotics when it's been proven that the pills don't work.  If you promptly fall asleep after the pills don't call me in three hours later and tell me the pills never worked and your a 10/10 again.  Plus please don't tell me "it only hurts when I move like this."  We expect you to move after surgery, we do not expect you to do situps in bed.