If you've ever met a nurse before you'll know that we come equipped with the best (ie. grossest) stories. Around the nurses station TMI runs rampant and you'll oft hear people trying to best each other with "remember that time...?" stories.
I've only been working in healthcare for 6 years but I've come across my fair share of crazy stories.
My husband's favorite is the patient I had whose spleen had ruptured and who had a slow bleed into the belly. The docs had postponed surgery in the hopes the bleeding would stop on it's own but after a few weeks decided they had to go in an evacuate some of the old blood. Think of the human body as a bunch of water balloons inside a bag... if you poke a hole in one of the water balloons it's going to leak water into the bag.. and that water is going to want to obey gravity and drift downwards. Inside the human male this leads to swelling and impressive bruising in a certain dependent body part that most men do not want swollen and purple.... Now after several weeks of slowly leaking blood we were VERY swollen and purple. Think cantaloupes. Think sumo wrestler style walking. We were putting slings on body parts that should never have to hang from suspenders... It was horrible. It was hysterical. Even to the patient.
Surgery day comes and Doc Wonder decides the easiest way to get rid of this problem is by employing the Old Faithful technique. They placed a single port site at the umbilicus, grabbed a-hold of the swollen anatomy and squeezed. From what I heard of the OR staff that day, a few people needed new shoes after they finished up. Belly button volcano's are never a good thing.
Anyway, surgery wraps up after that, patient is wheeled back up the floor to recuperate. No pain, much less swelling, but hasn't yet had the *cough*cahones*cough* to lift the sheets and take a peak... The hovering mother of the patient and fiance are kindly but firmly escorted out of the room and together, patient and nurse.. we bite the bullet and go for a look.
*Must.control.facial.expression.do.not.let.mouth.drop.open.and.gawk*
The cantaloupes are gone. In there place are some very sad, very deflated, so dark purple they're almost black, very very VERY sad sacks... Patient looks up at me stunned and the first words out of my mouth are..
"Sorry mate, your Playgirl career is over."
His laughter was so loud his family burst back into the room thinking something was wrong. He had a full recovery and was mostly back to normal (if still quite discolored) by the time we discharged him. I've never forgotten him and I bet he hasn't forgotten me either... there are only so many people in your life that help you sling your balls to your belt and can still look you in the face afterwards.
Ahh the life of a nurse.
:)
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