I think... I'm depressed.
I haven't left the house in two days. Which means I skipped the last two days of my summer class. I have no desire to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, do my schoolwork, shower, cook, clean, laugh, work, anything. My third and final exam in my summer class is tomorrow. I spent six hours watching Greys Anatomy yesterday and three hours today. I scan through pages and pages of FML or MLIA because the single paragraph is about all I can concentrate on.
Jim comes home and talks to me and it takes three "what?"s before I can process what he's saying.
This morning I had a bad dream. I can't remember most of what it was about, except that it's the first bad dream I didn't want to wake up from because my Dad was in it... there was a part of the dream where we were on a bus and then walking up my driveway. He held my hand. I missed class because I kept trying to get back into that dream. I'd sleep all day if I could have him hold my hand again.
My grandfather is having his bladder removed on Friday. I have to work but I'm going home on Saturday so I can stop by the hospital and be with him. Then I'm going to get to be home for a few days. I'm terrified of being home, home without my Dad. I'm terrified that my grandfather isn't going to survive his surgery, his cancer.
I feel like the plate of things to deal with or adapt to has grown to the size of a dinner table and it's stacked with more things than most people have to deal with in a decade, let alone less than a year. Our family just can't seem to catch a break.
Laid off my old job, unable to keep a job in my old field because the market was so bad, so I get certified in a new field. My fiancee at the time (who I love unconditionally) seemed totally incapable of making the step to move away from his parents and his comfort zone, so even though I'm 9 years younger I pick up my life and move to his hometown. I find a new job and start over. Jim and I get married, the highpoint in the past year, I didn't know a person could be so happy. Back to work after the wedding I go through the motions of married life. I don't get to see my family because I'm busy with work and with inlaws and being married. But overall it's a blissful six months, I apply for and get accepted to nursing school, I get to see my brother at Christmas. Then my grandfather gets sick, he starts peeing blood one night. They take him to the hospital and cant figure out what caused the bleeding but they do discover that he has a grapefruit sized abdominal aortic aneurysm. He survives that operation and then we discover the the bleeding is from bladder cancer. Chemo starts... life goes on. I don't see my family for my birthday or see my Dad for his birthday, things got in the way and we just never expected it would be our last chance. A couple weeks later Dad gets sick but we don't know how serious it is, it's just some stomach pain after all. Easter happens but I have to work that weekend so once again I don't get home. We're not religious after all, what does it matter? Then the axe falls. Dad's stomach ache is really cancer and it's inoperable and we only have two months. The world ends.
Seven weeks later Dad passes away.
A month or so after we find out that Grandpa's bladder cancer has gotten worse, not better, and that his only chance is a radical cystectomy (total bladder removal.) School starts in a month. Money is tiiiight and I just keep wondering "what else?" How much more can we be asked to survive? I just want to go back to sleep.
Wake me when it's over.
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