Tonight I sobbed.
Heartwrenching, gutbusting, bawl your eyes out sobs. Until my nose was clogged and eyes burned with tears. Crying hurts, it physically hurts to cry that hard. My head aches and eyes burn with the pain of crying so hard. I don't remember it hurting to cry, granted... I don't remember ever having this much pain as the motivation for crying.
I've been surprisingly okay with my fathers death. I've cried silent tears, tears that course down my face unchecked and almost unnoticed. I shook with denial and grief at his deathbed, with a few hysterical tears and stuttering gasps. But most of the time, I've been fine, I can talk about it, I know I miss him but I've been fine.
Tonight I broke a little. I unpacked his leather jacket. The one thing that was truly his that I wanted. The one thing of his that I can hold on to and feel and smell that was a part of my Dad. That smells of smoke and grease and sweat and leather, that smells of road trips to Florida and snowstorms all at the same time.
I realized at 11:54pm that I forgot to call my Mom today. Today, her first full day home alone, no me, no Russell, nothing... just her, alone in the house Dad built for us. And I forgot to call her. People say that she would call me if she needed something but I know better, I know my Mom. She wont call and say she's horribly lonely and depressed and needs to talk to someone, anyone! She wont call and ask for help. I wont, and I'm just like her... And I forgot to call...
There's this pain in the middle of me. It wont go away.
I miss him so much.
Yes.
Tonight I sobbed.
sorry if my comments annoy you...They are not meant to annoy but to try to help you in anyway they possibly could. I just wanted you to know that how you are feeling is perfectly normal. I was much better then I thought I would be, very hurt but surprisingly much better then I thought I would be with my dad's death at first. I still would cry and felt upset but the reality didn't kick in until weeks later. Then it got worse for me. I still have bad moments. Right now is hard for me because mine and Chris' one year wedding anniversary is coming up and I keep thinking how a year ago there were no signs. He was so energetic and was smiling, dancing his butt off and having a grand old time at the wedding. It saddens me to know that June 5 I was on my honeymoon and that was the last birthday he would ever have and I wasn't here :( Your mom will most likely not call. I still call my mom everyday to check on her. One night, not too long after my dad's death, my mom called me and I could tell she was holding back tears. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and of course she said no. When I hung up the phone I got into my car and went straight over there. She was balling her eyes out missing dad. She was surprised yet so thankful I came over. I knew she needed someone, but she wouldn't ask because she would feel like she was intruding on my life (which is what she told me when I got there). I told here she was always there for me as a mom, and it is my turn to return the favor and never think that she was intruding because she is my mom and I love her! Sorry again for the long winded comments. I just hope maybe it's a little comforting to have someone who has gone through a very similar situation and very recent. Keep your chin up hun!
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