nights

I wish I could stop these nightly bouts of hysterical crying.

Regular crying I could handle but this has gone beyond that into full fledged hysterics. It seems like almost every night now I get settled down to go to bed and something reminds me of Dad and I lose it. I start bawling, sobbing, hiccuping, hyperventilating, practically screaming with this pain. Crying so hard I can't see and until I can barely breathe. Until I'm a snot-packed, tear-soaked puddle of shivering sadness a half and hour later.

I'm taking sleeping pills just to get to sleep for six hours anymore.

I know I'm scaring Jim but I don't know what to do.

I'm angry, so furiously angry and yet so heartbroken that I can barely function. I miss him. I want my Dad back. I want my Mom to be happy again and my brother to be himself again. I want our family back.

I want to stop crying.