This weekend was many things. It was good, bad, emotionally charged, boring, a relief, a regret, a chance to relax, a chance to stress, but mostly it was too fast. It's over now. And yet in a fit of self sabotage today I managed to turn off my alarm and go back to sleep as opposed to waking up and going to class. So my weekend is a day longer, but the third day comes flavored with guilt.
I have my 2nd A&P2 exam tomorrow. I failed miserably at studying this weekend. And now it's all on me for today. >>>stress<<< But I'll survive.
The good: It was good this weekend to get a chance at a breather. I've had school, work, and doctors exams for the past two weeks and I was starting to get burnt out. I'm still feeling burnt out but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. Next Thursday is the last day of my class and if I can trade my Friday shift away (Grandpa's surgery is that day) then I'll be off for 5 days!!! Homeward bound! But as for the weekend the two days of sleeping past 6:15 a.m.... were soooo nice. And the shagging... also very nice, definitely nice to have time for some shagging. And Jim and I did get to spend some quality time together. Not enough, but some. So it was good.
The bad. I'm in a bad place right now emotionally and Jim is suffering because of it. I want my Dad back. I'd almost kill to have something fill this void and it'd devolved from my begging for a baby to a dog to a kitten to an unhealthy relationship with icecream. Rationally I know that no other child or pet or alcoholic beverage or calorie filled treat is going to fill the void, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try whatever cockamammy thing comes into my skull at that emotionally charged moment. Jim's been trying so hard to be supportive when I'm weeping uncontrollably (which is most nights now) and yet stick to his guns in that we CANT get pregnant and we don't have permission for a dog and Please-stop-crying-should-I-go-away-or-hold-you-or-call-your-friends-or-or-or-or??? And he's trying. But I get mad at him because he's the only one here to be mad at. I get mad at him for things he can't possibly control and I always apologize afterward but it's still unfair to him. I get angry that his Dad is still alive and healthy, angry that my Dad is gone, angry that my Grandfather has to have his bladder removed and is still probably going to die from his cancer, angry that I live in Connecticut instead of near my family, angry at fate for dealing the Ehrets family such a steady stream of SHIT.
I may go see a therapist. I don't know. Grief counselor or something like that. I don't know if I'm depressed or not but I know I'm not healthy. It wouldn't be normal to be happy right now, but I don't seem to know how to get my head above water. Keeping busy isn't enough anymore. I'm drowning.
I hear ya chickie!! Chris has been going through the same with me. I feel bad for him :( It has gotten better but I still have my moments. It's never easy losing someone you love, especially a mother or father :( My offer still stands if you ever want to talk I am here!
ReplyDeleteCan't speak to what it's like to lose someone, but I know all about dealing with depression. If you want someone to talk to feel free to call. I'm pretty sure Jim has my phone number if you don't.
ReplyDelete-beth
Having been in your situation (albeit less "aware" -- I was 3), and STILL having major emotional issues from it, I'd like to give some friendly advice that a therapist would be good for you right now. As I looked at it over the years, the people around me didn't know how to deal with my issues, I didn't know how to fix myself (although I like to think I'm an expert on everything ;-)), and realizing that there are people out there trained to deal with such things was a big step. Then, finding one that I could actually WORK with -- there are a lot that just aren't suited for certain personalities. So, if you DO look, don't get discouraged if they don't feel right. :-)
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