I'd been dreading going to work yesterday so much so that I called my mom crying on the drive in. It wasn't work so much as Dad based depression. It's been two months and it hurts worse now, missing him is worse not better and I just didn't know who to call who would understand. I've tried not to call Mom when I'm upset because she doesn't need my burdens but yesterday I just needed my Mommy.
We'd had a patient for months now who has been dying of essentially the same cancer that killed my father. Only the family didn't agree to hospice and was 'fighting' to save them. So for months the pt has suffered and endured agony because the family couldn't let go. It was incredibly difficult for me to walk in and see someone dying of the same thing, go through the same stages of horror. I knew it was getting close to the end on Monday when I helped the tech who had this pt in her assignment and I'd gotten very upset and angry at the family for being so selfish to put the pt through all this suffering, I managed to keep my mouth shut and avoid the family for the night but I knew I would have a hard time after that.
Yesterday as I was getting ready for work I kept thinking "what if I get this pt, I wont be able to handle it..." it had gotten to the point where I'd be looking at the pt and only seeing my Dad and I just couldn't bear living it over again. Mom let me cry and rant and told me that she's also having a harder time now that she did just after Dad died and that I'm not alone. I got to work to find out that the pt was finally out of pain. They'd passed away on Tuesday.
I feel pity for the family, empathy for them and what they are going through... But I can't help but feeling that they bought a few months more with their loved ones pain. It wouldn't have been worth it to me, to put my Dad through hell just to get to keep him for a few months more. You don't end up getting any quality of life, just quantity, and that's useless.
I think I judge too harshly because people keep telling me that I should put myself in the families shoes, that it's a hard decision to make, the choice to stop fighting and accept the inevitable. I know it is, I've made it. And I can't help but feel, with all my heart, that we made the right choice in letting Dad choose, and supporting him when he chose hospice. I've seen the numbers, talked to the doctors, I knew the odds. And although I'd give anything now to see my Dad one more time I know that the person in the bed the last week was not really my Dad anymore and that a few more weeks or months wouldn't have changed that. I can wish with all my heart that this never happened to us. I do wish that. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't make my Dad any less dead or make me miss him less.
I guess this is just one of those things I have to endure.
Hunny, I so feel for you :( But I sincerely meant it when I said if you need to talk to call me. I know the feeling of feeling like no one else understands. It sucks to lose a parent when you still need them :( I know I am grown and I have my own life now, but I do feel I still needed my dad. He was my world and though I have managed to keep my life going without him in it, there is not a day that goes by that I wish I could have him back. To have the talks we use to have and the laughs we shared. Unfortunately I can not change the fact he is gone. I can only keep pushing myself to be the best I can be to continue making him proud as he watches down on me. I know you are doing the same thing!! please call me if you ever want to talk...I think it may do wonders for both of us.
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